Friday, 09 March 2012
It sure has been a long time since I've been here. Seems like forever.
Funny how things cycle though. Last time I posted we had just lost the children that were placed in our home for adoption. We had sworn off that particular portion of our lives, turning away with broken hearts. We were also getting ready to move.
Irony of it - we have moved, yet again, to the east and are beginning our training classes to get back in to foster/adopt services. Daniel and I just can't seem to get this off our hearts - like we're missing something if we aren't doing it. Training begins on this upcoming Monday. I can't help but wonder what the Lord has in store for us - which children will come through our doors this time and what their little hearts will need, aside from the love of Jesus.
I have another blog that I'm keeping up for family alone, but sometimes family just doesn't need to hear certain things. Not that any of our family would intentionally hurt us, but they just don't see some of our choices as "sound". Homeschooling is among those choices. At this point, after ten years, they've merely accepted the fact, but still don't understand our hearts on the matter. Nor do they fully support it. I don't need their approval - they don't have to live my life for me, but support would be nice. But I suppose it's better to separate family from these types of things. Foster care.... Another of those things that they simply can't seem to comprehend. And the thought of adoption - whoa!!! Their thoughts are - we've got our hands full with the two we already have, why would we want someone else's problems? Ya see, I need to come here, to a semi-private place, to vent the hurt, share the victories, lift up the praises on all those things I just can't share otherwise.
Friends, my heart aches for these children. And I get so angry at the adult counterparts. It's difficult to put aside a personal feeling and not want to shake these parents like Shrek shook Princess Fiona and say "wake up fool, don't you see what you've been given!?!?". But it wouldn't do any good if I did, because they don't see the wrong in it. It's especially difficult for me, personally. I made so many mistakes with our oldest (I know, don't we all? Not like this, trust me!) and after our youngest we made the decision (without the Lord's input) to shut down the baby factory. A tubal ligation that was eventually reversed, but another [biological] child has never come. And my thoughts carry me away to all the what if's. Once I realized who the Lord wanted me to be, I wanted all of His greatest blessings - and I wonder if it was my doing for the childbearing season to be done so early. So, for me, like a lost puppy dog, I want to keep each one that comes through our home. Do I do it to satisfy the longing? perhaps making-up for the mistakes I've made along the way? but is it wrong when what I'm doing is giving them the love they deserve, regardless? Guiding them in the ways of the Lord? We've seen miracles happen with these kiddos when Jesus and the love He gives all is taught.
We heard it said in the very first training class we went to - if your own kids are not on board it won't work. I think we've taken for granted that we're the parents and what we say goes - we're going to open our home up to orphaned children and that's that. However, recently I've met another mother whose experience has not been so easy. She and her husband are doing the same thing as we've done for the past ten years, but their children are not "on board" and therefore the experience has been less than pleasant. Our girls are asking begging us to do this again. We thought about not doing it when we moved out east, but the girls have persuaded us otherwise. The one thing we don't want to happen is for them to get lost. It is most definitely true, the children that come into our home (via the state) require many more resources. More love, more attention, more time... and rightfully so, they've been left to themselves with no one to love them, no attention paid to them at all - in some cases left completely alone to fend for themselves, no time spent with them at all - let alone quality time. But in the midst of it all, sometimes we take for granted that our girls have already had it all and they, unfortunately, get "left-overs". I don't want that to happen this time. If the mix is good, it's easy. When the mix isn't what it's suppose to be - waters can get rough. And I fully understand the dynamic of these two were given to us first.
Hope you're having a great day, friends!
Saturday, 18 December 2010
Thank you everyone (and to those of you who have emailed me privately) for your comments and encouragements on our current situation. All of your notes have been very sweet and I hold them dear.
And to answer some questions...
No, our [biological] children did not get taken from us, but the boys that we were so hoping to adopt, in just a matter of months have been. They were already, at heart, our boys.
The eleven year old girl that lived with us complained (about the way we live and what we expect) and made a steep allegation against us and to "be safe" they removed each and every one of the children from our home. Nothing like being guilty until proven innocent . Her mother was just recently was released from jail and she had her first visit this past week. The only thing we can figure is - in her mind - she thought "if I'm not with them, they'll put me back with my mom...". Which is not the way it works....
In any case we are back down to our two children. The house is morbidly quiet. Daniel has Christmas music playing in the background - the strange thing is that I can actually hear all the words .
Yesterday was a very emotional day for the entire family. Many tears were shed by all and many words sent-up in prayer and lamentation. At the end of it all, quite late last night (or very early this morning) Daniel and I were talking and made a conscious decision -
We are STILL blessed beyond belief with the two children we [already] have. Two beautiful, healthy, smart, and fun daughters that - with all they are - glorify our Lord and Savior. We are abundantly proud of them . And although sadness and mourning seemed to reign yesterday throughout our home - life has/will go on. And if we (Daniel and I) remain constant basket cases because two children, that we've known for four months, were taken away from us, that will most definitely communicate they were, in fact, more important to us than the two we still have. Yes, we have, indeed, lost two little people that we loved more than we could have ever possibly imagined, but there is absolutely nothing we can do about the situation. And tears along with words of anger, hurt, or even remorse will not take back the words (lies) that escaped the lips of that lost little girl that sits in yet, another, foster home - wishing she was back with her mother.
And then another thought occurred to us -
The love we are feeling must be the love of Christ. In the same way that God so loved the world (even before they became His children), we loved those boys. And although I commit sin daily, He still loves me. Regardless the lack of loyalty it seems that I may exhibit toward the One that we celebrate this season, He still loves me. And each and every night, I lay me down to sleep and He never fails to give me a hug goodnight - forgiving me for what I've done throughout the day. And just as we've been standing in the gap, each night, for those children - He too stands in the gap for us - knowing full-well our hearts.
And a decision of forgiveness must be made, in heart (by all), and rely on the simple fact - God is in control and already knows what comes next.
And most definitely, I will find what I've been so seeking for some time now -
Heal our hearts and help us find
what we should be doing next.
Thank you for your constant
and unconditional Grace that I
can be me and you still love me.
Friday, 17 December 2010
- First Name: l. ann
- Birthdate: 5/26/1972
- About Me: Sinner, saved by Grace. Wife, madly in love. Mother, learning minute by minute. Friend, here when needed. Human, redeemed daily. This blog is my journal of the incredible Journey this side of Eternity. An independent for Thirty-One, living on the east coast for the first time in my life and loving it! And along the way - a little about my passions - family, nutrition, antiques, home schooling, and handbags. Just me, my wonderful husband, and our two girls...and the golden retriever...and the two cats...and the bird.